The Brain…..

I’ve got a lot on the brain,
The pain the insane feeling of rage and hate that I try to keep caged….
The confusion of whether or not I’m going the right way.
I don’t want to hear what they have to say
Its always the same…
Wake up and smell the day,
I lie awake and i bake.
I think about the fake that take what you make and make you as small ass the rice in their plate…
Where’s the faith
The thought of things going great
Its all a game I get to tired too play…
I don’t want life to end
But I do need break.
I need to take my pain and give it a good shake
So that it can run down my shoulders like snowflakes…
I’m impressed with what life paints
But yet disappointed when it confuses my mind state…
Tears falling like rain
And the sky is no where near gray…
I’ve got a lot on my brain
My heart is what aches
I’m sick of the bitter taste
Its time for that change,
Time to slow down the pace… Time to get ready for the Big Ball of Life,
It’s not as real as they say, remember its all a Mascarade.

SPIDEE

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Living Day Bi Day

I can remember when i was 5 i found my fathers pornagraphic magazines in between the mattress… At this age i couldn’t believe my eyes but all i saw were naked women. And i remember feeling good about what i was seeing but not understanding why. Once i knew where my fathers porn stash was i was in there all the time. As i grew up my attraction to women intensified, all i can do was watch female – female porn. When i was 7 my mother started attending a penticostal church which to me i think was mental torture. (i say my mom is like “The Waterboy”s mom everything is the Devil). I remember my mom use to tell me everyday that Gay people were aliens… HAHAHAHAHA she’s funny. (but she wasn’t tryin’ to be funny) I laugh now but growing up with that Fucked up my head for many years. You may laugh, but i thought i was an alien for a while. But then i got older and my mother saw that i was catching on. So She began to tell me “the Devil tries his best to be like God so he tries to be a creator like God. So when the Devil plants his seed it never comes out right. Gods creation comes out beautiful. The gay people are the Devils seed they didn’t come out right. And if you are gay God wont love you and instead of going to heaven you were going to go to hell…LMAO…. Now i don’t think I’m an alien. Now i think God doesn’t love me and I’m the Devils seed (WTF). Now i know many people have gone through this and maybe even worse i just felt like telling my story. at some point i stopped going to church and began to hang out i was young and just wanted to get away so i did. Between 13 – 16 I played the role of “eeewwww i don’t like girls only dick for me”. Now when i hit 17 the urges of being with a women were intense. I dated a few girls but never went far sexually until i met this chocolate skinned hottie her name was Nicky. While hanging out with her she never showed me signs of attraction and she was married with kids so i never thought of her that way, i was her friend. Then that one day came… Out of no where she asks me if i’ve ever been with a woman before, i giggled and said no (i felt extremely nervous inside). She tells me that she finds me attractive and wanted to have a threesome with me and her husband. Now as shocking as that was i didn’t say no i instantly said YES…lol… All i kept thinking about was that i was going to finally be with a female. We made plans for that same night. I was nervous but excited and couldn’t wait. I got there at like 10:30pm. (i had to let the kids sleep you know) They had a gallon of E&J and a whole lot of weed, which i was happy to see, cause i was too nervous to do this sober lol….. I remember her husband put on some Biggie Smalls as she poured some shots. He lit up 2 blunts and we began to have some fun we laughed, drank, smoke and so on and so on. By 1am i was bent. I knew it was about that time to start getting sexual because they were both making out and undressing. Now i felt too nervous, nervous enough to back out… so i drank some more. I stood there and watched them kiss till they were naked i just couldnt bring myself to get naked with them. I took another swig and just said fuck it so i took off my clothes and started to kiss them both…..
It was an unbelievable experience. After that i couldn’t get enough of the ladies… all i wanted to do was eat. And so i did. After a few years of experience i came to understand who i was. I loved being with a man and i love being with a woman I am Bi-sexual and proud of it.
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If there is a God i Know He Loves Me cause he made me (so that’s what they say) If there isn’t a God Then i’m still in the clear lol…. well i hope you enjoyed reading a piece of me there’s always more to come….

Spidee Says “Be Proud”